We learn that we have no obligation to be who we were…
2015 was a very successful year for me. Not because I made more money than ever before or because had a better job or got a house or any of those traditional markers of success. In fact, since I wasn’t paid for a contract job for almost a year, I am currently swimming in a global warming sized ocean of debt. And now, after only finally getting paid a few months ago, my contract is set to run out this year. Paycheck-less again. Oh, and I am renting. Still.
But 2015 was also the year of ‘unsticking’ for me. At the beginning of 2015, I recognized how much of my life had been spent ‘stuck’ in utter fear–and as a result, how much of that fear kept me in unhealthy patterns and destructive relationships. So I pledged 2015 to ‘unstick.’ To pulling my head out of the sand, to loosening the glue of fear, to oiling the rusty life that I was living.
And to that end, 2015 was one of the most successful years I’ve experienced in a very long time. I took chances that I never would’ve dreamed of taking in previous years. For the most part, they were small chances. Chances that I knew I would find success at. Deciding not to take something personally. Laying a ‘healthy boundary’ brick down when nobody was looking.
But there were also a few bigger chances. Two of them are intertwined–I started a new blog and Patreon to fund the writing on it. And I confronted the thing I’ve been most afraid of, the thing that terrorized me into the ‘stuck’ life I was living: shame.
I am currently working on a nice long blog post about these two chances I took. These two chances that made 2015 the best, most productive year I’ve had in a very long time. So I’m not going to get into it too much right now.
But I wanted to mention these things because they are directly relevant to what I will dedicate 2016 to. I read the quote above, “We learn that we have no obligation to be who we were…” and I felt liberated. Free. It was a key that not only unlocked the prison of fear I’ve contained myself with, but opened the door to a world I’ve never allowed myself to see or feel or be a part of.
2016 is the year of (re)Birth. It is the year that I shift, grow, release and become. It is the year I step on the earth for the first time, that I feel the burn of the sun on my skin, fill my body with the same air the dinosaurs breathed, see the same stars my ancestors prayed under.
I don’t know what (re)birthing will mean for my writing. I don’t know what it will mean for me, period. Birthing is an uncertain process. It’s painful, even violent at times. But it’s also creating. Creation. It is the blessed promise of life.
That I can share this time with you all through this blog is only possible because of the generosity of so many supporters. Whether you are a patreon supporter or you’ve retweeted things or you’ve been a steady reader through all the different ‘faces’ I’ve been through online or you’ve made individual donations or you’ve left a kind comment or sent healing thoughts–I thank each and every one of you. Deeply. And I look forward to sharing this year with you.